I have a co-worker who has a bit of an interesting living situation at present. Interesting’s not the right word, but neither is challenging or drama-filled. Maybe heartbreaking is the right word.
She’s living in a small two-bedroom apartment with another woman and her roommate’s three year old child. Everyday my co-worker comes into work and recaps the previous night’s antics, generally including sugary snacks and post-10 p.m. bedtime for the three year old and a desperate, late-night phone call from the roommate and her child to the child’s father, pleading for a visit. To make matters worse for this woman, she’s behind on rent and will likely be evicted when my co-worker moves out of town at the end of the month.
Out of curiousity (and because I’m not the kind to keep my mouth shut when I see a friend living in this sort of situation), I asked my co-worker if she planned to address her concerns with her friend; to offer her some guidance and courage to move forward in a seemingly quicksand-like scenario. My co-worker said that while she wanted to, she wasn’t sure she’d have the necessary tact to do so effectively. So, because I’ve heard the stories and am devastated for this woman and her child, I offered to write a letter for her.
I realize that there are many people out there that have friends who would also love to do the same, but aren’t sure of the words to use, so I’ve decided to share my letter here with hopes that it will serve as a template to open a dialogue, convey a message, and express concern to friends everywhere who are struggling or oblivious, or maybe just in need of a push in the right direction.
Please feel free to edit to suit your situation. I wish you and your friend the very best.
Dear Friend,
First of all, I want you to know that I write this from a place of love. We’ve known each other for a long time and have seen one another through some hills and valleys and I’m writing you today because I’m concerned about the valley that you’re in.
I know you’re in a rough spot right now. You’re struggling financially, you’re trying to raise a child almost solely on your own, and your heart is battling your better judgement over a man who repeatedly proves himself unworthy.
I’ve seen and heard much of your daily routine over the past few months and this is what I’ve seen and heard:
I see and hear a child who desperately needs routine, structure, and discipline; a child who needs a strong parent and role model who will make good (and not necessarily easy) decisions on their behalf; and a child who longs for undivided attention, interaction, and guidance on a daily basis.
I see and hear a woman who’s struggling to become independent financially and emotionally; a woman who’s desperate not to lose a relationship she should have let go of long ago; and a woman that needs a more stable, healthy, supportive, and loving environment for both herself and her son.
The thing is, friend, I see you struggle, but life doesn’t have to be so hard. Your heart doesn’t have to hurt everyday. And your child and your relationship with him can thrive. I know that may seem unlikely, distant, perhaps intangible, but I really hope that you’ll soon consider making some really hard decisions, counting some losses, asking for help, and taking some steps in the right direction to get yourself to a happier, healthier place.
Please know that while many aren’t eager to discuss it, most people have been there — I’ve been there — and each and every person that has been there and has seen the other side has counted losses, shed tears, made difficult decisions, and worked hard to regain their sense of self, happiness, and control in their lives. You’ve been witness to me making my way up the hill, and it’s been all for the better. I hope that someday soon you can also reflect back and say you made it out of the valley and up the hill and that you’re also all that much stronger for it.
Please know that I’m here for guidance and support if you’d like to talk. I only wish you success and happiness.
